My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
