drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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