Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
