I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
