Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
