half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
