i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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