Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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