I just threw up on my dentist
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
