plz talk dirty to me
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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