If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
