we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
