Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
