my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
