Cold hands, warm shart.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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