All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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