so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
