I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
