I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
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