Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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