bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Acid is not a monday night drug
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
