I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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