saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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