shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
