i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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