Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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