Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
