What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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