Just fell off a train. Bad.
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
