Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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