we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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