just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
