Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
