theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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