I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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