Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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