3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
