I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
