hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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