wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
