Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
