I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
