I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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