His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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