Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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