Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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