You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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