unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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