So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
