I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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