omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Someone stole a lamp last night.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
My life is pants optional.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
